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Friday, September 18, 2009

How We Make Plans...And the Lord Determines Our Steps

I can be selfish at times. I mean, all of us can be selfish...we're all capable. But I actually choose to be selfish on occasion. I know. I'm an awful person.

You see, I had plans. I had planned on a couple kids (a couple meaning two), a calm life being able to fully enjoy watching my kids grow, but not being harried at all. No, not me. I would never take on more than I could feasibly handle. Oh, yeah. And I planned on going on a cruise with Superman* for our 10th anniversary. I also planned on being able to carry a small purse when I had little children. I didn't plan on having to carry a big ol' old lady bag (no offense to those of you out there who have already gone through "the change"). I was going to still wear makeup and earrings and sometimes get my nails done and sit around and eat Bon Bons (ok, maybe not that last part).

*my husband

In all seriousness, though, I did have plans for my life. I never saw myself parenting FIVE (I wish there was some kind of flashing lights I could put on that word FIVE) kids. To be quite honest, when we found out that M and N's birth mom was pregnant, I told Superman no way. There was no freakin' way I was going to take on another kid.

M was 3 when we got him. He and N had been in 3 homes and had gone through more than any child should have to experience. He was pretty much non-verbal. He uttered sounds, but really didn't talk. He was a sweet boy, but I felt frustrated by his inability to communicate at times. N was one year old and needed a mom. She had never had anyone to bond with and so when she had me, she latched on like a, well, like a leech. She freaked out if Superman looked at her. She wouldn't let me put her down. She screamed if I left the room. If I took the kids to the park, she clung to me like I was going to disappear if she looked away. It was tough. So there was NO WAY I was going to take on a baby.

Well, thankfully I'm married to Superman. He insisted that it was our responsibility to take in G. We had room in our car, room in our home (we decided to add on a few bedrooms and a bathroom after we got M and N) and definitely had enough room in our hearts, so we had no excuse. Sigh. Sometimes it's hard being married to such a wise man. Really, it is.

So, once again, it was up to me. I knew that my heart said NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I felt overwhelmed even thinking about getting a brand new baby while still tending to 4 other little ones. So I went back to my ol' prayer asking the Lord to change my heart. Only this time, I actually believed He would do it. And sure enough, He did.

When G came to us, I bonded with her quicker than I did with any of our other kids--even with Mr. C. I immediately felt intensely connected to her, as if I had birthed her myself. I have to praise God for his faithfulness and devotion to me. He truly is an amazing God who answers prayers and provides for our needs.

Don't get me wrong--it's hard at times. There have been tears, meltdowns, feelings of inadequacy and doubt. There have been heartfelt prayers asking for the Lord to sustain me when I felt like I just had nothing more to give. But, I'm still alive. I'm still kickin'.

And, here I am. I carry a big purse. My life is anything BUT calm. Our 10th anniversary came and went and we are definitely not going on a romantic cruise any time in our near future. I do have to commend myself that I usually do wear makeup, but the earrings are a hit-or-miss. But, it's all worth it. I can't imagine if I would have denied little G coming into our lives. She has graced us in ways beyond imagination and I know the Lord will do great things through her.

So, my friends. We all have plans, but the Lord truly does determine our steps.


Ohilda said...

I love this post! I love how you allow (and ask) the Lord to change your heart and open it to do His will, while recognizing that it may not be what YOU want. That's definitely the sign of a faithful servant.

Had someone told me 10 years ago we would have adopted 3 little ones (2 of them special needs), I would've said, "You're crazy!" But God knew better...and I'm oh, so glad, He did!


RamblingMother said...

Morning, Thanks for stopping by my blog. I appreciate your wisdom on adopting against your heart's plans letting God change you. Also about your name perspective. And good luck in the give a way. Your 5 kids would be great in a poster.

Maria said...

Ohhhh man I can relate! Our pursuit of adoption led to not one child but the same time! Were we naive? Yes ! Were we crazy? Maybe. Has it been more than we could handle? At times I thought so. But are the rewards incredible? Absolutely! Im going to like this blog Shanti.

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