I'm Not in Hiding Gorging on Sweets...

It's been almost a month since my full confession. I haven't been hiding. Somehow, these past few weeks went by without me noticing. Or, I guess I noticed, but I couldn't believe that it was really almost June, and therefore it couldn't be. I've been off sugar for about a month. It hasn't been that bad. Yeah, I want need some chocolate. I pass by the local ice cream joint and my mouth salivates. I see commercials for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and I want to jump through the screen and live in that chocolatey, peanut-buttery world for a bit. But, it hasn't been that bad. I guess it depends on your definition of bad. 

I've been doing lots of baking. Peanut butter cookies, gingerbread cookies, shortbread, pineapple upside-down cake...all made with almond flour and honey as a sweetener. I'd like to say I haven't eaten any of the stuff I've baked, but I'd be lying. And since I'm in "full honesty" mode, I wouldn't want to do that, now would I? I don't know if it's physically possible for me to bake something I know is yummy and not eat some. I suppose I could make things taste nasty, and then sit and laugh as I forced my kids to eat it, knowing I was conquering my addiction, but I truly do find joy in baking for Superman and the kids. And, it's something they look forward to. It's the highest compliment to me when my kids say, "Mommy, that's sooooooo yummy! Can I have more?!" To which I reply, "HECK NO! That's MINE!" I jest, I jest. 

We've wrapped up school for the year, and although my incredible in-laws are going to continue to do math and reading with the kids over the summer, I'm taking the summer off. Initially, I felt that if they were working with the kids, I should probably be doing something too, but I eventually convinced myself that I need a break. I'll be a better teacher in the fall if I have a break from being "teacher." 

The weather has been downright strange these last few weeks. I'm longing for warm weather, but I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be complaining about the 100-degree heat. 

I've continued my ongoing list of 1,000 to be thankful for. Here's what I've written down over the last few weeks: 

102. Laying in the sun on a warm day

103. Watching my sister on t.v.! (She was on the show Yard Crashers!)

104. Skipping school on a day I just want to relax and enjoy the kids

105. Kids sleeping in

106. A stocked fridge

107. Kids making good choices

108. A husband who makes his family a priority (mine!)

109. The smell of alfalfa

110. Going to the fair

111. Wildflowers growing

112. Strawberry season

113. Morning walks with the kids

114. Homemade marshmallows!

115. Date nights with Superman

116. Reading my Bible in a quiet house

117. Cuddling baby animals

118. Hiking with the family

119. Hearing the kids recite memory verses

120. Dinner with friends

121. Seeing J-Man play his guitar on stage

122. Eating cold, fresh, ripe strawberries

123. Realizing how much I love running when I can't do it because of an injury

124. Finishing school!

125. Knowing that Superman has 88 days off of work soon!

126. Having grandparents who are still alive

127. People watching

128. Living in the country

129. Watching "Secret Millionaire."

130. Picking up our weekly fruits and veggies at a farm down the street

131. Purging

132. Seeing clean homeschooling cupboards after purging

133. Knowing there is still sun behind all the clouds

134. Living in a place that has local fruits and veggies year-round

135. Being spontaneous

136. Feeling close to the Lord

137. Seeing our kids be generous with each other

138. Finding a sports doctor who can help my Achilles tendon

139. Hearing birds chirping early in the morning

140. Seeing a hummingbird up close

141. Painted toes

142. Homemade waffles on a Sunday morning

I was participating in the 100 push-up challenge (for the second time), and for the second time, I hit the wall at 60 push-ups. I'm serious, I could NOT do another push-up. I stayed on that day for weeks, trying to gain more, but I couldn't. That's when I decided 60 is good. Sixty is just fine. Sixty is plenty. So, that's that. Tom, my friend, how are your push-ups coming along? 

I injured my Achilles tendon after running my fastest mile almost 3 weeks ago. I'm going to a sports therapist, and he has already helped me immensely, but I still have a few more weeks to go until I can run again. Thank goodness I just pulled it, and didn't tear it. I'll be patient, but in the meantime, I'm going stir crazy for some running. All in good time, I suppose. 

Now I'm trying to figure out how to continue my no-sugar commitment over this summer when birthdays and hot summer nights and memories with the kids all beckon me. Can someone please invent some type of virtual reality where I can binge on sugar and have the same satiety while not actually ingesting anything??

Hello, My Name is Shanti and I'm a Sugarholic.

I've always loved sugar. Really. Anything sugar. When I was younger, I used to eat spoonfuls of brown sugar as a snack, and I'm not exaggerating. How I didn't get my first cavity until a few years ago, I'll never know. I would still eat Fruity Pebbles every morning if I could...or Lucky Charms...Or Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch. It runs in the family...my mama's got a sweet tooth, my grandpa's got a sweet tooth...my brother and sister have sweet tooths. It's a curse, I tell you. When I was a teenager, I used to eat sugar cereal for breakfast, and for lunch, I'd buy something sweet like a Hostess cupcake or chocolate bar. I'd snack on candy in the afternoon and then force down a bit of food for dinner...and end the night with a bowl of ice cream or another bowl of sugar cereal. 

I've been lucky in that obesity does not run in our family, so I could pretty much eat as much junk as I wanted, and never "see" the repercussions. I mean, I would feel it...lethargy, irritability, aching muscles and joints, foggy-headedness, mental unclarity. It was all there, but I never attributed it to the sugar. Heavens no. 

Most of you know our family has been on the Paleo Diet since last year. It includes cutting out dairy, legumes, all grains and sugar. It was going great. My joint pain was gone, my energy level increased dramatically, my monthly cycles regulated, and I just felt more clear-headed. But a few months ago, I slipped. I ate a piece of cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory. For any normal, non-addicted person, this would be no big deal. But for me, it was like an alcoholic slipping and having a drink. After that, I could not stop thinking about sugar. I fought it for a few days, but in a moment of weakness when I was out by myself, the Kit Kat called my name. What would one little Kit Kat do? Surely nothing. But that one indulgence led to another....and another...and another. 

My sugar indulgences became a dirty little secret. Here I was, eating everything "right" at home, and any time I was around other people. But the moment I was by myself or just had the girls with me, it was "let's get an ice cream cone!" (vanilla soft serve dipped in chocolate? YES PLEASE!) or "let's have a little treat" or "let's share a cookie from that UH-MAZING cookie shop." It had now been months since my little secret had started. I felt like a cheating wife. I was the hypocrite of all hypocrites. I couldn't even tell Superman even though I knew he really wouldn't care.  The sugar cravings were consuming my thoughts. Every time I ate a meal, it was immediately followed by almost unbearable yearnings for something sweet...preferably chocolate. I realized my desire for sugar had become an idol for me. I felt like a total failure. And then, I hit bottom.

I was at Costco with the girls and was perusing the aisles, fighting off my urge to buy a bulk-sized box of chocolate bars. I casually picked up a container of chocolate-covered raisins...read the ingredients. Corn syrup. That's a deal breaker for me. Ironic, I know. Moved on to the chocolate-covered caramel clusters...corn syrup again. Ok, ok, I knew I should have stopped there. But by now I was on a mission. And then I spotted it. A box of divine fudge made by a local Chocolatier. Ah, yes! I found it! I proceeded to polish off a POUND of chocolate over the next 24 hours. And I was sleeping for like 9 of that. 

And that was it. That's when I hit bottom. I was feeling physically awful...I was waking up a ton at night, getting up in the morning with that old joint and neck pain rearing its ugly head, and that nasty afternoon slump was in control of my life. It was time to confess. All day, I had butterflies in my stomach. I don't know why I was so scared to tell Superman, but I felt like I needed to confess this dirty secret to someone fast, or I was gonna keel over from anxiety. 

That night, we sat on the couch together after the kids went to bed, and I told him I needed to talk to him about something. It's not very often that I preface a conversation with those words, so he was thinking this was something serious. I proceeded to tell him everything...all about my slow fall to destruction, how sweets had totally consumed my mind and I couldn't wait for a "fix" after each meal. I said I felt this addiction had become an idol for me, and I was trying to figure out if there was an underlying psychological cause for me feeling I had to keep it "secret." Superman had a little smirk on his face. He was sympathetic, understanding and encouraging. Of course he didn't make fun of me, or scold me or tell me what a loser I was. 

He told me I was being really hard on myself, but said he would support me in getting off sugar if that's what I wanted. And I said yes. You see, I can't eat sugar in moderation. I don't believe I would ever offer a recovering alcoholic a drink and say, "It's o.k...it's just one!" Likewise, I just cannot allow myself to indulge in sugary sweet delectable desserts. Sad? Yes, a bit. But there have been too many times when I have gone off sugar successfully, only to re-introduce it "just for special occasions" months later, and slowly have it become an obsession again. 

So, there you have it. I'm a Sugarholic. I'm on Day 4 of no sugar, and the first few days were...well, let's just say, NOT FUN. It could be a combination of not feeling well in general and sugar withdrawal, but all I know is that I did not fell well this weekend. Today is better. The cravings are starting to subside a bit. 

I struggled with whether to confess this publicly. It's quite humiliating, really. Especially because I am constantly preaching about how wonderful the Paleo diet is. And it is. If you follow it. I know that progress in a situation like this comes from openly confessing it. I know once I share a struggle, I'm more likely to stay accountable. So as embarrassing as it is, it is what it is. 

I apologize for being hypocritical. Those dirty, dark secrets can sure take over when you let them. I'm sorry for misrepresenting myself. I have always strove to be an open book, allowing others to see my struggles and triumphs, wanting to be authentic. I hope you are able to forgive me, and if you see me, ask me, "Have you had any sugar lately?" I want to be held accountable! 

Lent Recap

So, you may remember that back in March, I made a commitment to pray for Superman during Lent. It was something I chose to do, getting up 45 minutes early each morning to cover my soul mate in prayer. I'm not talking a typical quick "Please bless Superman" prayer, but a thoughtful, desperate plea for the Lord to heal him. I created a private prayer blog, something I could go back and read to remind myself what the Lord had or hadn't done. It was something new for me...making those moments the center of my day, the most important thing I did each morning. I mean, I regularly pray and read my Bible, but never anything like this. There were days when I truly felt the Lord was listening to me, answering my cry for help. There were other days, however, when I wondered if I was wasting my time by praying. Here's a sample of one of those days:

"Lord, I'm feeling discouraged. Is it worth it for me to pray? It seems that Chris is just as bad now as he was 26 days ago when I started praying for him. Last night I begged you to help him wake up this morning feeling energetic and encouraged, and that his inflammation would be better. Lord, what is the purpose of his pain? I know you don't have to answer me, but I am so frustrated. I feel like it is pointless for me to get up early each morning and pray for him if you have no intention of healing him. Am I wasting my time? It hurts me to see him so discouraged and beat down. The poor man is at his wit's end. Please, please, please help him! Help him to at least see a glimmer of hope at the end of this trial, Lord. I know you are Lord of all, and you have plans to prosper Chris and not harm him, but I feel like I (and he) need a little bit of encouragement. Are you still there? Do you care that he is suffering? Please, Lord, give us some guidance. I love you and we just want to be in your will. Help us to have clean hearts that can hear you speaking to us. Take away anything that may be hindering us from that closeness with you. Thank you for all our blessings. Help us to remember gratitude even in the midst of discouragement."

It was rough at times. There were mornings following sleepless nights, when I wanted to turn off the alarm and roll over in bed. There were even tears of discouragement, feeling as though my prayers were being shot off somewhere into space, floating through the unknown. I ultimately felt I needed to press on; I knew the Lord had not forgotten me or my requests. He's all about his timing, not mine. All I needed to do was put Him first, and He would take care of the rest. 

So pray I did. And by Easter Sunday, Superman was having more "good" days than "bad." It wasn't an overnight healing miracle. It was a gradual transition that would probably have gone unnoticed if not for our fervent unrelenting prayers, and our conscious attention to the details. I would still say he's not 100% healed. However, I think this portion of my "Eve of Easter" prayer sums it up: 

"...Lord, this night concludes my Lent commitment to rise early each morning and pray for Chris' healing. Although we may not have seen a dramatic healing miracle overnight, I thank you for the obvious strides he has made over these last 46 days. Thank you for healing him piece by piece, bit by bit. Thank you for giving us encouragement when we felt as though all hope was lost in regards to his health. Thank you for reminding us that you are fully in control, weaving an intricate tapestry, and we are merely the tools you use to accomplish your tasks. Lord, I pray that you would continue to heal Chris' body. I pray that you would continue to bless me with the commitment and energy to get up early until we can call his body "healed." Please, Lord, help us to notice positive changes in Chris' health and to give you and only you the glory. May we never forget who healing comes from and never be shy about sharing the good news with those around us. I pray that Chris would feel your presence so evidently that he can be nothing but joyful when he wakes up each morning..."

You know what? Last night, Superman said that he had the best day he has had in probably a decade. For the first time in years, he was pain free. I don't know whether that will last consistently or not, but I do know that he's on the healing track. I know he is being healed. It's just happening on the Lord's timetable. So, I'll be patient. I'll keep praying early every morning until that glorious day when we can sing praise: Superman is healed! 

Passover, Good Friday, Easter...and Good Deeds

First things first:

91. Bonfires
92. Singing songs around said fire
93. Worshiping with 20,000 other people!
94. Prayer time
95. Knowing there are less than 6 weeks until summer!
96. Sitting in the rocking chair on the front porch on a sunny spring day
97. Watching buds turn into flowers, then turn into fruit
98. Homegrown eggs
99. My niece, Jelena, going home from the hospital!
100. Reflecting on Easter and the significance it bears in my life
101. Enjoying chocolate after a looooooonnnngg time away from it!

We had grand plans for Easter break. We had a mental list of things to get done around the property by the time Superman went back to work today. It didn't quite work out the way we planned, as so often is the case. We imagined each day, accomplishing tasks and neatly checking them off our lists. Instead, weather, laziness, and sheer enjoyment of down time took over. We pretty much got nothing done. Well, nothing we had planned. But we did do some other things:

Tina had her first haircut (with us): 

Her previous owner gave me a halter lesson so I can take her on walks. Now I can force her to love me! 

On Palm Sunday, my sister did a little activity with the kids, laying palm branches down and having them walk over them as Jesus did: 

On Passover, we read the Passover story and had the kids paint ketchup on our door frame to symbolize what the Israelites did: 

On Good Friday, we had a bonfire with the kids and read the passage of Jesus' death. We sang songs around the campfire, roasted hot dogs, and just had an all-around good time: 

Superman likes to say he doesn't know how to play the guitar, but he does. And now, I have evidence: 

N wanted to pray with daddy after hearing the Bible passage about Jesus' death: 

And then, of course, Miss G wanted to follow! 

And for Easter, we joined 20,000 other people in worship to raise funds and awareness for 3 very worthy causes. It was an incredible time of worship, and I'm so excited to hear what kind of funds we raised! Here we are lighting up the arena: 

30 days of Service wraps up this Friday! Can't believe it's already been almost a month. Here's what we did over the last few weeks: 

*Mailed packages to family for Easter

*Wrote notes to teachers for Teacher Appreciation Week

*Weeded at Granny's house

*Let someone go in front of us at the store and bought their child (with mommy's approval) a pack of gum

*Cleaned the office of our favorite adoption agency: 

*After getting my new iPhone (WOO HOO!!!), I wrote a letter to the supervisor of the sales gal, saying what an excellent job she did

*Washed dinner dishes for Granny and Grandpa after eating dinner at their house

*Took cookies to Superman's grandparents

*Had a day where each kid picked something kind to do for someone else that day

*Loaded groceries into the car for an older couple at Costco

*Put flowers on graves at the local cemetery with cousins:

*Picked up trash for Earth Day:

*Took Easter eggs and a note to friends thanking them for their friendship

*Paid for parking for the person behind us going in for Easter services at Arco Arena

We only have 5 more days left! This week we'll be mailing off a package to our "adopted" soldier! 

So, we didn't get anything on our list accomplished. But, we did get a lot of life accomplished, and it was worth slacking off so we could experience that life with the kids!

I'll be writing up a summary of my Lent experience this week. I need to reflect a bit before I put it into writing!

Multitudes on Monday and a Big Boy Birthday

79. Easter break!
80. Moments of quiet focusing on what the Lord has been doing in our lives
81. Having dinner with family at my mom's house
82. Reading a good book
83. Warm cookies fresh out of the oven
84. Lost teeth and tooth fairies
85. Celebrating birthdays
86. Seeing M-Dog smile
87. My new iPhone!
88. Hearing J-Man play a new chord on the guitar
89. Laser eye surgery
90. Hanging with friends

It's drizzly outside today, but nothing could dampen the spirits of this NEWLY 6-year-old boy, who turned 6 just today. He lost his first two teeth this week, and got a new bike from Nana and Papa. We celebrated him this morning with breakfast at Mimi's Cafe, and M-Dog polished off a "manly" Belgian waffle with strawberries and whipped cream. M-Dog, you have such a sweet spirit. We love you and are so thankful the Lord trusted us to raise you!! Happy birthday, big boy!

30 Days of Service Update and Multitude Mondays

So, how are your 30 Days of Service going? We've had a blast thinking of things to do for people each day. Most of our "acts of kindness" have been small, but deliberate. So far, we have: 

*Given a big tip to a waitress and invited her to the Easter service at our church

*Taken a friend's kids cocoa on a cool, overcast morning

*Given a thank you note w/a See's gift card to a doctor that worked on a Sunday in order to help Mr. C w/his ear infection

*Sent special letters to the kids we sponsor through Compassion International

*Given a Jamba Juice gift card/thank you to a dad who volunteers every week to play soccer with a group of kids

*Helped a neighbor haul brush

*Paid for the person behind me in the drive-thru at Starbucks and left a note wishing them a happy day and inviting them to church

*Made fudge babies for a friend as a thank you

*Sang a special song to my {93-year-old} grandma that her mom used to sing to her, she used to sing to my mom, my mom used to sing to me, and now I sing to my girls:

*Donated clothes and diapers to a mom in need

So, you see, most of our acts haven't been difficult, but they've required a bit of thought. It really has been a blessing so far...can't wait for the next few weeks to see what else we get to do! 

68. The dentist and the ability to have our teeth cleaned

69. Having my grandma chime in and sing with the girls and I

70. Looking  up in the dark and seeing a sky filled with bright stars

71. Doctors that work on Sundays!

72. Watching our kids ride on our pigs

73. Making it through a week of no coffee and feeling better for it!

74. Spring cleaning, a.k.a. purging! 

75. Eating a ripe, cold, sweet mango

76. Seeing my sister

77. Being so close to a hummingbird, I can hear its wings buzzing

78. Clean sheets! 

The Prayer That Brought Tears to My Eyes

Every night the girls and I pray together. We hold hands in a little circle and each of us prays. I think N has a special gift for prayer, as every time she prays, she amazes me with her thoughtfulness for others and ability to remember things we should be praying for. Superman says it's probably just because it's the one time she can talk as much as she wants, and we won't ask her to be quiet. =) I like my idea better, though. 

Anyhoo, the other night, we were praying together, and N surprised me with her usual articulation. And then she said this, "Thank you for dying on the cross. And thank you that you are alive today!" And she said it with such conviction and appreciation! It wasn't an empty prayer. She was genuinely thankful for our Savior. And it filled my heart to overflowing with pride. In a good way. I was just so darn proud of her, and her sweet little 4-year-old innocent prayer. Isn't that what it all boils down to, anyway? We would be nowhere if it weren't for the gift of salvation given to us by a Grace-filled Father. Enter mommy tears. 

56. Quiet moments with a sick boy in the middle of the night

57. Experiencing spring for the first time in our house

58. Sharing our farm with others

59. The llama coming to me for the first time

60. Family dinners

61. Running outside in overcast weather

62. Evening walks

63. Picnics with friends

64. Seeing Superman happy

65. Homeopathic ways of healing a sick child

66. Sleeping deeply

67. Counting down the days until summer!

P.S. We are smack dab in the midst of our 30 Days of Service, and what a blessing it's been! I'll soon be sharing what we've done so far, and what we have on our plate for the next few weeks!

Multitudes on Monday

34. A job for Superman

35. Hot showers

36. The opportunity to adopt

37. Lazy pajama days

38. Fallen trees narrowly missing our well pump

39. A husband who spends all day cutting up fallen trees when he deserves to relax

40. Joy in my life

41. Healthy foods

42. Sleeping in for a little while

43. Our church

Saturday night was incredibly windy, and we lost two more oak trees. Amazingly, one of them narrowly missed our well house by landing on a fence post. We spent most of the weekend huddled inside staying out of the elements, but on Saturday morning, I attended a meeting for an awesome ministry, Safe Families, which I hope to talk about more in the future. Have you heard of it? Check out the link. You'll be moved just reading about it! I'm hoping to help get it launched at our church soon. Enjoy your Monday! 

Multitudes on Monday

24. Stopping to stretch while running and seeing a ladybug crawl by
25. Settling into a soft bed and blankets
26. Quiet moments on a day when I'm exhausted
27. Standing outside at dawn, listening to the sounds of nature
28. Having a llama eat out of my hand
29. Feeling happy
30. Friends stopping by unexpectedly
31. Hot cocoa with almond milk
32. Having a working car
33. New Bible to mark up! 


Something big is coming soon. It'll be a challenge of all challenges. Stay tuned!

Thankful Tuesday/Multitude Mondays

I realized after deciding to do "Thankful Tuesdays" that there is an actual movement of people participating in this idea of documenting the multitude of gifts we've been blessed with. I'm not all that creative, after all. I suppose I could still do my own thing on Tuesdays, but I liked this little picture so much, I decided to switch my days to share to Mondays. What can I say? I want to be on the "Multitude on Mondays" bandwagon. Especially when it involves a cute picture. 

9. The opportunity to homeschool our kids

10. Watching kids play soccer

11. Experiencing gratitude more in my day

12. Kids napping

13. Sitting next to Superman 

14. Knowing we're making a difference in our kids' lives

15. Rainy days to snuggle on the couch

16. Having a closet!

17. Kind people who think of others before themselves

18. Children learning to read

19. Running outside

20. Superman's health improving so much in the last year

21. In-laws helping more than asked

22. Hugs from kids (mine in particular!)

23. Singing songs to my girls that my mom used to sing to me at night 

One Thousand Gifts: A Challenge (The beginning of Thankful Tuesdays)

A friend of mine mentioned this book in her blog a few weeks ago (thanks, Karen B.!), and while perusing someone else's blog, I saw the book recommended again. I didn't really have any idea what it was about, but I respect both these women and was intrigued. 

I haven't finished the book yet, but have gained enough insight to make me ready to take the challenge: Find gratitude in everyday life, in everyday things. Gifts that I would normally blaze past, never noting. Noticing things as they come, not creating a forced list of "things to be thankful for." One thousand things, to be exact. This concept truly goes hand-in-hand with my post about "unconditional gratitude;" it just seems to want to flow naturally from me. Once again, the Lord is all about timing. Had I read this a few months ago, I may have taken the challenge as a "fun" exercise, but reading it now has made me really want to dwell on each piece of gratitude and savor its place in my life. 

I was going to wait until I finished the book to start the "challenge," but being March 1st, and how much I love starting new things on the first of any month, I think I'll start now. One thousand gifts. Can you think of 1,000 things to be grateful for? You can join me if you like. It'll take me months, I'm sure, and it's gonna be a journey. There will be days of discouragement when the last thing I would like to do is find gratitude in my circumstances. I'll be jotting down pieces of gratitude throughout the week in my "gratitude journal," and then recording them here every Tuesday for "Thankful Tuesdays." I know, "Thankful Thursday" would sound better, but Thursdays are busy for me, so Tuesday it is. 

As I sit here typing, the first few gifts surround me: 

1. My giggling children playing nicely

2. Warm fire crackling

3. Hot coffee steaming, filling the house with its tasteful aroma

4. Baby lambs drinking from their mommy

5. Worship music playing

6. Dryer running, something I take for granted. So thankful I don't have to hang clothes out to dry in  this cold weather!

7. Sun streaming and dancing off pink blossoms on trees 

8. Beginning of March, the signs of spring coming

Have a wonderful day! Hope you are able to pause and find gratitude in some of the less "obvious" gifts surrounding you today!

P.S. Don't forget about the giveaway on Friday! You can enter here. I forgot to mention, the winner can request either a Kindle edition or hard copy version!