Giveaway!

I'm so excited to be doing a giveaway for this book! As I mentioned, it changed my parenting, and in turn, my life.

The Connected Child, co-authored by Karen Purvis, David Cross and Wendy Sunshine, is specifically written for adoptive parents, but has so many wonderful insights for biological parents as well. If you're a parent or know someone who is, you should read this book! You will learn many things about yourself and your children, biological and adopted.

Here's the rundown: 

*Leave a comment here saying what your favorite thing about being a parent is. You'll automatically be entered! 

*For an additional entry, share my blog on your Facebook, Twitter or other social networking site, and link back to here!

You won't be disappointed! 

The giveaway will take place on Friday, March 4th. 

Happy entries! 

How a Book Changed My Life

As I mentioned in my last post, I just read the book, "The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family." If you are an adoptive parent, read it! If you are just a "regular" parent who feels you could stand to improve, read it! I bought the book more out of curiosity than anything else. Last week, we featured a therapist specializing in adoption at a seminar we put on at our church. She said she should get a commission for referring clients to this book. I figured it wouldn't hurt to read what these authors had to say. 

I have the book on my Kindle, and as I am sitting here typing this, I am looking through the fifty notes I made while reading it. How do I pick the most important? I'm not going to summarize the book, because I can't do it justice. If you want to know more about it, you can check it out here. 

You're probably thinking, "C'mon! Get ON with it already!" Ok, so here it is. Here's what I found out about myself while reading this book (I thought this book was supposed to be about adopted kids??): 

I am an emotionally distant, avoidant parent.

Remember my post about "Conscious Parenting?" I'm getting better. The Lord has woven this intricate tapestry of my life, and He has had all these things come together to work amazingly well together: the retreat, my desire to change, planting this book in front of me...they're all connected. This book wouldn't have had near the same effect had I read it a year ago, or even a few months ago. But even with my improvement, there were things I didn't know about myself. Towards the end of the book there is a "parenting style" quiz for parents. There were two options for each question. One answer would be considered "avoidant" (A) and one would be considered "nurturing." (N) Here's one example: 

"When you're talking to your child across the table, you comfortably reach out and touch her cheek or stroke her hair, and gently look into her eyes."(N) OR "When you're talking to your child across the table, your interactions are reserved and it's uncomfortable for you to make warm eye contact or reach out and touch her." (A)

Can you guess what my answer was? I am so devastated to admit that my answers were all (A)'s except for two. 

I don't think people on the outside would ever consider me an avoidant, disconnected, detached parent. But I am. It does not come naturally to snuggle my kids, to gaze into their eyes, to give them a warm hug "just because." I don't naturally give them a hug in the morning when they get up or smother their little faces with kisses at night. It is not natural for me. I, as awful and horrible and shameful as it is, am an uncomfortable, distant parent. 

I can have fun with my kids. I love going places and having picnics and making memories and baking desserts. I love to go on hikes and watch them learn and listen to them have deep conversations in their bedroom at night. But I never realized I was perpetuating a cycle of arms distance between parent and child. The authors wrote, 

"...Avoidant parents sometimes have the mistaken assumption that they're teaching independence by keeping their distance." Yes! That was me. I never wanted to "coddle" my kids. I didn't want them to grow up to be "sissies" or "weak" or "needy." I wanted them to be strong, courageous, confident and independent. And I thought the way to do that was to stretch out my arms and {not embrace} them, but keep them away. If I got too close, they would be too connected. They would need me too much. They would see my weakness. 

Please don't think I did this on purpose. I have always longed to be that cuddly mommy. I've enviously watched other moms who easily nurture their children and want nothing more than to hold them close to their heart. It's just that I've failed. Seven years have gone by since Mr. C came into our lives. And 7 years I have failed. Not in everything, but in something. Something so important, the Lord finally stopped me in my tracks while retreating from my daily life just a few weeks ago. He planted that seed of conscious parenting in me. And it sprouted. Then, it grew. It blossomed more than I ever imagined it would. But, still, seven years...I cannot allow myself to be suffocated by the past. I can only keep my eyes on what lies ahead.

The Lord has once before taken a burden from me overnight. There are many things that I've struggled with over the years, continually praying for help in overcoming. But 12 years ago, when I asked the Lord to take my bitterness away, He did. Immediately. And just a few days ago, I sat at the feet of Him who loves me and desperately asked Him to take this from me. Take away this hole in my heart, this unconscionable plague in my soul. Take away my need to be distant and fill it with your love so deep, so wide, that it fills me to overflowing. Fill me in a way that can only be credited to you. And He did. I felt that burden lifted just as I did 12 years ago when I asked the Lord to take away the bitterness of my youth. 

You know what I did yesterday? I hugged my kids. I read them books before bed. I complimented them. I told them how much I loved them and what I love about them. And it was phenomenal. 

There are so many things this book gave me. It described M-Dog to a "T." It filled my heart with compassion for these children I often forget come from traumatic, awful, hurtful pasts. It reminded me. And its words changed my life. And because of that, it changed my kids' lives. The Lord spoke to me through this book. Maybe He'll speak to you, too. 

Grace and Mercy: Give a Little, Get a Lot!

This weekend in church I almost fell asleep. I'm normally a "in bed at 9:00" kind of gal, but the last few nights I had been up late (like 11 p.m. late!) reading a book called, "The Connected Child." Probably the best book I've read in years. It is written specifically for adoptive parents, but many of the described techniques can be applied to bio kids as well. I'll be talking more about this book in the next few weeks. I've gleaned some life-changing insights and can't wait to share them! But, I want to finish the book first. 

I digress. So, I was almost falling asleep in church and I hear the pastor say something (I'm a woman--I can do more than one thing at once!). He shared a definition of grace: "GETTING what you DON'T deserve," and mercy: "NOT getting what you DO deserve." Wow. Maybe some of you have heard this definition before, but I sure hadn't. It was like cold water got splashed in my face, and I woke up. I'm a little embarrassed to admit I don't know what the rest of the sermon was about, because I was focused so much on that little gold nugget. At first, I was just thinking how amazing it is that the Lord of the whole universe, the Creator, has mercy on me. I am not getting what I deserve, for He has forgiven me of my sins. The thought of Jesus dying on the cross for me (and you) was real in that moment. It wasn't just a far-off thought, or a gentle admiration for what He had done for me. It was real. 

And grace? I practically swooned right there in my seat. "Getting what you DON'T deserve." I don't deserve his forgiveness. I don't deserve to be in His presence eternally after I die. I am a sinner. I make mistakes every day, and then I apologize and make the same mistake again the next day. I don't deserve what I'm getting. 

And then it came to me. This is probably not an "ah-ha" moment to many of you, but for me it was. I am called to be "like Christ." I am called have grace and mercy on my kids; even on perfect strangers. That person who cut me off on the freeway and then proceeded to point their tallest finger at me? That's right. Don't give them what they DO deserve, and GIVE THEM what they DON'T deserve. The bitter person in the checkout line? Yup, you got it. Grace. Mercy. The kid who keeps making the same mistakes? Yes, ma'am (or sir...)! You know it! Why should I expect my kids to make a mistake once and never return to that blunder, when I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again? I shouldn't. I should give them just what the Lord has given me: Grace and mercy. Giving them what they don't deserve, and not giving them what the DO deserve.

Don't you just want do dance a little jig? It's not our job to judge our kids (or anyone else)! We just need to give them a little grace and mercy, and let the Lord do the rest.