Hello, My Name is Shanti and I'm a Sugarholic.

I've always loved sugar. Really. Anything sugar. When I was younger, I used to eat spoonfuls of brown sugar as a snack, and I'm not exaggerating. How I didn't get my first cavity until a few years ago, I'll never know. I would still eat Fruity Pebbles every morning if I could...or Lucky Charms...Or Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch. It runs in the family...my mama's got a sweet tooth, my grandpa's got a sweet tooth...my brother and sister have sweet tooths. It's a curse, I tell you. When I was a teenager, I used to eat sugar cereal for breakfast, and for lunch, I'd buy something sweet like a Hostess cupcake or chocolate bar. I'd snack on candy in the afternoon and then force down a bit of food for dinner...and end the night with a bowl of ice cream or another bowl of sugar cereal. 

I've been lucky in that obesity does not run in our family, so I could pretty much eat as much junk as I wanted, and never "see" the repercussions. I mean, I would feel it...lethargy, irritability, aching muscles and joints, foggy-headedness, mental unclarity. It was all there, but I never attributed it to the sugar. Heavens no. 

Most of you know our family has been on the Paleo Diet since last year. It includes cutting out dairy, legumes, all grains and sugar. It was going great. My joint pain was gone, my energy level increased dramatically, my monthly cycles regulated, and I just felt more clear-headed. But a few months ago, I slipped. I ate a piece of cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory. For any normal, non-addicted person, this would be no big deal. But for me, it was like an alcoholic slipping and having a drink. After that, I could not stop thinking about sugar. I fought it for a few days, but in a moment of weakness when I was out by myself, the Kit Kat called my name. What would one little Kit Kat do? Surely nothing. But that one indulgence led to another....and another...and another. 

My sugar indulgences became a dirty little secret. Here I was, eating everything "right" at home, and any time I was around other people. But the moment I was by myself or just had the girls with me, it was "let's get an ice cream cone!" (vanilla soft serve dipped in chocolate? YES PLEASE!) or "let's have a little treat" or "let's share a cookie from that UH-MAZING cookie shop." It had now been months since my little secret had started. I felt like a cheating wife. I was the hypocrite of all hypocrites. I couldn't even tell Superman even though I knew he really wouldn't care.  The sugar cravings were consuming my thoughts. Every time I ate a meal, it was immediately followed by almost unbearable yearnings for something sweet...preferably chocolate. I realized my desire for sugar had become an idol for me. I felt like a total failure. And then, I hit bottom.

I was at Costco with the girls and was perusing the aisles, fighting off my urge to buy a bulk-sized box of chocolate bars. I casually picked up a container of chocolate-covered raisins...read the ingredients. Corn syrup. That's a deal breaker for me. Ironic, I know. Moved on to the chocolate-covered caramel clusters...corn syrup again. Ok, ok, I knew I should have stopped there. But by now I was on a mission. And then I spotted it. A box of divine fudge made by a local Chocolatier. Ah, yes! I found it! I proceeded to polish off a POUND of chocolate over the next 24 hours. And I was sleeping for like 9 of that. 

And that was it. That's when I hit bottom. I was feeling physically awful...I was waking up a ton at night, getting up in the morning with that old joint and neck pain rearing its ugly head, and that nasty afternoon slump was in control of my life. It was time to confess. All day, I had butterflies in my stomach. I don't know why I was so scared to tell Superman, but I felt like I needed to confess this dirty secret to someone fast, or I was gonna keel over from anxiety. 

That night, we sat on the couch together after the kids went to bed, and I told him I needed to talk to him about something. It's not very often that I preface a conversation with those words, so he was thinking this was something serious. I proceeded to tell him everything...all about my slow fall to destruction, how sweets had totally consumed my mind and I couldn't wait for a "fix" after each meal. I said I felt this addiction had become an idol for me, and I was trying to figure out if there was an underlying psychological cause for me feeling I had to keep it "secret." Superman had a little smirk on his face. He was sympathetic, understanding and encouraging. Of course he didn't make fun of me, or scold me or tell me what a loser I was. 

He told me I was being really hard on myself, but said he would support me in getting off sugar if that's what I wanted. And I said yes. You see, I can't eat sugar in moderation. I don't believe I would ever offer a recovering alcoholic a drink and say, "It's o.k...it's just one!" Likewise, I just cannot allow myself to indulge in sugary sweet delectable desserts. Sad? Yes, a bit. But there have been too many times when I have gone off sugar successfully, only to re-introduce it "just for special occasions" months later, and slowly have it become an obsession again. 

So, there you have it. I'm a Sugarholic. I'm on Day 4 of no sugar, and the first few days were...well, let's just say, NOT FUN. It could be a combination of not feeling well in general and sugar withdrawal, but all I know is that I did not fell well this weekend. Today is better. The cravings are starting to subside a bit. 

I struggled with whether to confess this publicly. It's quite humiliating, really. Especially because I am constantly preaching about how wonderful the Paleo diet is. And it is. If you follow it. I know that progress in a situation like this comes from openly confessing it. I know once I share a struggle, I'm more likely to stay accountable. So as embarrassing as it is, it is what it is. 

I apologize for being hypocritical. Those dirty, dark secrets can sure take over when you let them. I'm sorry for misrepresenting myself. I have always strove to be an open book, allowing others to see my struggles and triumphs, wanting to be authentic. I hope you are able to forgive me, and if you see me, ask me, "Have you had any sugar lately?" I want to be held accountable! 

Oh, Hot Cocoa, You Are Divine.

So some of you may remember my life change from back in October. It involved refined sugar, and you can read about it here.

I've pretty much stuck by my plan, which was originally just for 30 days, but became a life-long commitment. I've enjoyed two or three sweet concoctions since giving up refined sugar, but in general, I stay away from the stuff. I think chemical sugar-free substitutes are just as bad, if not worse for me than regular refined sugar, so I try to use natural alternatives when possible.

The last few days I've been craving hot cocoa. Superman ordered one from Starbucks last night, and I took a teensy weensy sip of it, and it got my wheels turning. I felt challenged, no CALLED to concoct a hot cocoa that I could enjoy without falling off my "no refined sugar" wagon.

So, before I started creating recipes myself, I figured I'd look online, and I came across this. And boy, oh boy, is it divine. As I sit here, I sip my chocolate-y hot cocoa while the rain drizzles outside. It is a true December afternoon. And if you want to pick up some Agave nectar, you can get it at Costco now!

Refined Sugar Is Not My Friend

So this has nothing to do with adoption, or birth parents or really anything related to kids. Unless you want to relate it to the sugar addiction I've battled since my youth. Ok, so it really hasn't been a battle. I lost a long time ago. But I'm coming back with a vengeance. I may have lost {many} battles, but I shall not lose the war!

I've tried a few times to kick the sugar habit. I've been through detox. I've quit eating sweets for months at a time. And then I decide to reintroduce that wonderful stuff back into my life. I'll just eat sweets once a month...just once a week...just once a day....just once an hour. And then, once again, somehow I've been overtaken by my taste buds to delight in the wonderful sugary-ness of baked goods or candy or ice cream.

The problem isn't that I just eat occasional sweets. The problem is that I don't know how to stop. It literally is like an addiction. I can't eat just one cookie. I love to bake. I mean, I love to bake. It makes me happy. But by the time the first batch of cookies is done, I've already eaten like 3 cookies worth of dough. And then I'll just have a couple cookies since I have to make sure they're safe for the rest of the family to eat.

I'm lucky in that I do find great pleasure in running. I'm not overweight by any means, but a few months ago, I was reading through the book of Philippians, and I came across this verse: "Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and...their mind is on earthly things." (Phil. 3:19) I don't think I'm a glutton, but when I have sugar in my life, it tends to take over quickly. And I shouldn't be ok with that. If I spent as much time focusing my mind on the Lord instead of how incredibly tasty my baked goods are, I would be a much better person.

So, I've decided to make a life change.

I'm not cutting out baked goods or sweets or yummy foods. But I am making a conscious choice to be conscious of what I'm putting into this temple the Lord has given me. Superman is one of those people naturally drawn to healthiness (lucky duck) so he was on board to try this with me. So we're now on day four of our "no refined sugar" kick. I want to see if I feel different, better. I have had chronic pain in my joints for years and years and I want to see if making this dietary change happens to help. I've tried pretty much everything else, so why not this?

I don't expect to cut out all refined sugar forever. I know there will be times when I will enjoy a sweet delight with a friend. And I'm not going to force our kids to never eat sweets. Halloween is, after all, just a few weeks away, and there are birthday parties, school parties, and just fun at friends' houses. But, we will be aware. We will be sensitive to how we are treating our bodies. When I can, I will substitute natural sugars for refined sugars in my baking. I will do my best to treat this body with the respect it deserves and to be thankful for it. I have no right to abuse it!

Anyone else want to join me?