How a Book Changed My Life

As I mentioned in my last post, I just read the book, "The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family." If you are an adoptive parent, read it! If you are just a "regular" parent who feels you could stand to improve, read it! I bought the book more out of curiosity than anything else. Last week, we featured a therapist specializing in adoption at a seminar we put on at our church. She said she should get a commission for referring clients to this book. I figured it wouldn't hurt to read what these authors had to say. 

I have the book on my Kindle, and as I am sitting here typing this, I am looking through the fifty notes I made while reading it. How do I pick the most important? I'm not going to summarize the book, because I can't do it justice. If you want to know more about it, you can check it out here. 

You're probably thinking, "C'mon! Get ON with it already!" Ok, so here it is. Here's what I found out about myself while reading this book (I thought this book was supposed to be about adopted kids??): 

I am an emotionally distant, avoidant parent.

Remember my post about "Conscious Parenting?" I'm getting better. The Lord has woven this intricate tapestry of my life, and He has had all these things come together to work amazingly well together: the retreat, my desire to change, planting this book in front of me...they're all connected. This book wouldn't have had near the same effect had I read it a year ago, or even a few months ago. But even with my improvement, there were things I didn't know about myself. Towards the end of the book there is a "parenting style" quiz for parents. There were two options for each question. One answer would be considered "avoidant" (A) and one would be considered "nurturing." (N) Here's one example: 

"When you're talking to your child across the table, you comfortably reach out and touch her cheek or stroke her hair, and gently look into her eyes."(N) OR "When you're talking to your child across the table, your interactions are reserved and it's uncomfortable for you to make warm eye contact or reach out and touch her." (A)

Can you guess what my answer was? I am so devastated to admit that my answers were all (A)'s except for two. 

I don't think people on the outside would ever consider me an avoidant, disconnected, detached parent. But I am. It does not come naturally to snuggle my kids, to gaze into their eyes, to give them a warm hug "just because." I don't naturally give them a hug in the morning when they get up or smother their little faces with kisses at night. It is not natural for me. I, as awful and horrible and shameful as it is, am an uncomfortable, distant parent. 

I can have fun with my kids. I love going places and having picnics and making memories and baking desserts. I love to go on hikes and watch them learn and listen to them have deep conversations in their bedroom at night. But I never realized I was perpetuating a cycle of arms distance between parent and child. The authors wrote, 

"...Avoidant parents sometimes have the mistaken assumption that they're teaching independence by keeping their distance." Yes! That was me. I never wanted to "coddle" my kids. I didn't want them to grow up to be "sissies" or "weak" or "needy." I wanted them to be strong, courageous, confident and independent. And I thought the way to do that was to stretch out my arms and {not embrace} them, but keep them away. If I got too close, they would be too connected. They would need me too much. They would see my weakness. 

Please don't think I did this on purpose. I have always longed to be that cuddly mommy. I've enviously watched other moms who easily nurture their children and want nothing more than to hold them close to their heart. It's just that I've failed. Seven years have gone by since Mr. C came into our lives. And 7 years I have failed. Not in everything, but in something. Something so important, the Lord finally stopped me in my tracks while retreating from my daily life just a few weeks ago. He planted that seed of conscious parenting in me. And it sprouted. Then, it grew. It blossomed more than I ever imagined it would. But, still, seven years...I cannot allow myself to be suffocated by the past. I can only keep my eyes on what lies ahead.

The Lord has once before taken a burden from me overnight. There are many things that I've struggled with over the years, continually praying for help in overcoming. But 12 years ago, when I asked the Lord to take my bitterness away, He did. Immediately. And just a few days ago, I sat at the feet of Him who loves me and desperately asked Him to take this from me. Take away this hole in my heart, this unconscionable plague in my soul. Take away my need to be distant and fill it with your love so deep, so wide, that it fills me to overflowing. Fill me in a way that can only be credited to you. And He did. I felt that burden lifted just as I did 12 years ago when I asked the Lord to take away the bitterness of my youth. 

You know what I did yesterday? I hugged my kids. I read them books before bed. I complimented them. I told them how much I loved them and what I love about them. And it was phenomenal. 

There are so many things this book gave me. It described M-Dog to a "T." It filled my heart with compassion for these children I often forget come from traumatic, awful, hurtful pasts. It reminded me. And its words changed my life. And because of that, it changed my kids' lives. The Lord spoke to me through this book. Maybe He'll speak to you, too. 

Refined Sugar Is Not My Friend

So this has nothing to do with adoption, or birth parents or really anything related to kids. Unless you want to relate it to the sugar addiction I've battled since my youth. Ok, so it really hasn't been a battle. I lost a long time ago. But I'm coming back with a vengeance. I may have lost {many} battles, but I shall not lose the war!

I've tried a few times to kick the sugar habit. I've been through detox. I've quit eating sweets for months at a time. And then I decide to reintroduce that wonderful stuff back into my life. I'll just eat sweets once a month...just once a week...just once a day....just once an hour. And then, once again, somehow I've been overtaken by my taste buds to delight in the wonderful sugary-ness of baked goods or candy or ice cream.

The problem isn't that I just eat occasional sweets. The problem is that I don't know how to stop. It literally is like an addiction. I can't eat just one cookie. I love to bake. I mean, I love to bake. It makes me happy. But by the time the first batch of cookies is done, I've already eaten like 3 cookies worth of dough. And then I'll just have a couple cookies since I have to make sure they're safe for the rest of the family to eat.

I'm lucky in that I do find great pleasure in running. I'm not overweight by any means, but a few months ago, I was reading through the book of Philippians, and I came across this verse: "Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and...their mind is on earthly things." (Phil. 3:19) I don't think I'm a glutton, but when I have sugar in my life, it tends to take over quickly. And I shouldn't be ok with that. If I spent as much time focusing my mind on the Lord instead of how incredibly tasty my baked goods are, I would be a much better person.

So, I've decided to make a life change.

I'm not cutting out baked goods or sweets or yummy foods. But I am making a conscious choice to be conscious of what I'm putting into this temple the Lord has given me. Superman is one of those people naturally drawn to healthiness (lucky duck) so he was on board to try this with me. So we're now on day four of our "no refined sugar" kick. I want to see if I feel different, better. I have had chronic pain in my joints for years and years and I want to see if making this dietary change happens to help. I've tried pretty much everything else, so why not this?

I don't expect to cut out all refined sugar forever. I know there will be times when I will enjoy a sweet delight with a friend. And I'm not going to force our kids to never eat sweets. Halloween is, after all, just a few weeks away, and there are birthday parties, school parties, and just fun at friends' houses. But, we will be aware. We will be sensitive to how we are treating our bodies. When I can, I will substitute natural sugars for refined sugars in my baking. I will do my best to treat this body with the respect it deserves and to be thankful for it. I have no right to abuse it!

Anyone else want to join me?