Apathetic

I'm not normally the type to be apathetic. As a matter of fact, I am rarely lukewarm about life. I find joy in many things...our kids, our home, our church, my marriage. I have much to be grateful for, and much to appreciate. But the last few months I have found myself on a bit of a downward emotional slant. You know when your're going down a slide with shorts on a hot day and your legs kinda stick so you don't go flying down? That's kinda how I feel. Not like I'm on a big roller coaster of emotions, but that I'm just kind of slipping downward a bit. I've been exhausted. That could be related to the five children running mad around our house and constantly needing attention. Or, it could be something else.

The other night as I was reading my Bible, I got to thinking about where I'm at in my relationship with God. I realized that maybe the melancholy I am feeling should be attributed to my stagnant faith life right now. I think I may have slipped into complacency. During the school year, I am involved in an inductive Bible study that keeps me digging through scripture for answers and seeking out a deeper relationship with the Lord. I am balancing schooling and cooking and cleaning and being a wife and a mom with my number one priority...God. But this summer has been nothing but enjoyment with my family. That's not a bad thing, though. I mean, how many people would do just about anything to have a husband home for 2 months and loads of fun activities planned all summer long? We've been thoroughly enjoying the time off. But what did I do with the Lord? I'm ashamed to admit I have fallen into the trap of "bare bones." I read my Bible each night, but then what? I'm not stretching my faith. I'm not actively seeking Him out throughout the day. I'm not being persecuted or forced into deepening my faith.

Yesterday after I told Superman how I was feeling, he insisted that I hide for 30 minutes and spend some quality time with God. That was in the morning...all day things came up. The kids needed tending to, dishes needed to be washed (or the pile would quickly grow into a mountain), laundry needed to be done, we had errands to run. Finally, almost at bed time, he forced me into our room and told me not to come out for a 1/2 hour.

I sat there staring at the wall for the first five minutes. I flipped through my Bible, trying to find something applicable to how I was feeling. I went to the back and looked up all the verses related to "discouragement," "faith," "separation" and "God's love." Nothing was really hitting home for me. I put my Bible down and decided to write out a prayer to the Lord. I laid it all out...I apologized for my selfishness and for letting my worldly responsibilities take over my life. And I begged Him to draw me close so I could feel that same fire I often feel when I am right in my walk with Him.

It was nice. I think I realized just how much life's responsibilities can interfere with my relationship with God. Now, I just need to remember how to put my daily tasks onto the back burner and deepening my relationship with Him to the front. I think it's time for me to make a change.